I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
