i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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