You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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