just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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