I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Randomize
