just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
