he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
