i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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