Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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