i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
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