dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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