Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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