My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
