you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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