I will die if light touches me.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
