mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
