Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize