All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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