I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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