The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
