am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
