He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
