the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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