life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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