i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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