why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
