I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
