watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Boobs speak an international language.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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