Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She needs sedatives and a leash
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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