Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
