I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
