The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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