I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
