No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
