A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
