Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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