is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
