how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
