I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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