I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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