I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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