never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
