You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
