Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
