At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
MIDGETS
????
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
