It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize