We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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