Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
