Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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