when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
a search helicopter?!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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