How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I smell stomach acid.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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