working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
