oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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