I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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