Sorry, I don't speak sober.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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