Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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