and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
